Mommy wars…

Today has been a bad mommy day…

In fact, it’s been a bad mommy MONTH. Yes. MONTH. I’ve yelled and screamed and lost my patience more times than I can count.

But for perspective, I’ve read blogs and talked to other mamas and I’ve REACHED out.

Guess what I’ve learned?

We’re all struggling. And life? Well, it’s all relative. How I feel is relevant to what is going on in my life. My life is NOT difficult, per se. I mean, I just read a blog yesterday about a mama who lost her firstborn. So, compared to that?

Seriously, why should I ever complain? EVER? But I struggle. With everyday stupid shit.

I realize, I REALIZE. I know, I KNOW.

I should be so amazed and grateful. Sometimes I am. A LOT of times I’m not.

 But guess what? I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re all fighting the fight. Unfortunately, that means some of us have tougher battles to fight. Some are given a completely RAW deal. Some are given a life of luxury, but feel empty. Some are in the middle. But the truth is WE ARE ALL MOMS. Doing the best with what we can and what we know.

So, why are we not more supportive? Why do we judge other mamas so harshly?

Because we want to do it “RIGHT.”    That’s why.

What’s ironic is there IS no “right.”

Everyone has it right for their situation!

Unless you are giving your kids heroine or beating them with a ROD, you will no longer receive  judgment from me. Yes, I will judge you if you give your kids heroine. Well, and the rod thing…spanking is a whole branch of parenting I’m not willing to dive into, but if you hit your kids with a ROD. I will judge you. Unacceptable. Outside of the rod? Don’t ask my opinion. It’s not my business. Ha. But the heroine?

Totally.

I should judge you.

But, if you parent differently than I do,  JUST TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY, then who am I to judge? Who am I to tell you what is best for YOUR FAMILY? For yourself? For your kids?

Really?

I’m pretty sure you know your kids better than I do. Don’t get me wrong.

IF. IT. IS. ASKED. FOR… friendly advice is warranted and needed. However, if a friend/family member/adult/teacher, whatever….doesn’t ask for your advice?

DON’T GIVE IT. It’s unsolicited.

Just be there. Be there to listen. Be there to make your other person feel normal and loved. Offer what you can, which is humility and yourself and love. If they ask for your advice, let the floodgates open. But if they don’t…if they just need to vent. Don’t judge. Or better yet, don’t judge out loud. JUST LOVE.

Sometimes we think we have the right advice. Our intentions mean well. Sometimes we think we have the right words. But, we don’t always. And that’s ok too. Sometimes we just need to let another mama know that, while we live different lives, and have different struggles, we ARE HERE.  Here to love.  Here to listen . HERE. TO. SUPPORT.

Enough with the mommy battles. Enough of the trying to fit in. Enough of the feeling like we have to be goddamn Stepford families. Enough. And when I say all of this I’m mostly speaking to myself. I have been the biggest culprit of everything I preach against.  Because I am insecure. Because I question my “mommy” skills.  Because I want to do it “right.”

Well, no more. I refuse to be a product of this mommy war. I refuse. It’s unacceptable. Especially when essentially we’re all just trying to give our kids the best and hope they don’t end up costing us thousands of dollars in therapy and institutions. Am I right?

Hopeless wanderer…

Yes. Another Mumford title. I can’t help myself. The band is my new idol. God understands, even if I have broken the first commandment. Or some of the other ones. He knows. We’re cool.

It’s. like. they. just. know.

They know ME…

and the other 4 billion women in the world. It’s ok. I know. I’m not special.

So I’ve completely strayed from the subject matter I was intent on writting about. Typical me. And that’s my point. I AM a “hopeless wanderer.” Always wandering and floating and being who I’m supposed to be. Being who “they” think I should be. While, at times, I can have a pretty strong opinion, I can also be a great follower. I worry too much about what other people think of me. Even now, as I type, I’m worried how my words will come across… Why do I care?

Acceptance.

That’s why I care.

I would venture to say that 99% of the world longs to be accepted. Longs for connection. Longs to feel like they belong. Don’t quote me on that…I have no research to back up that assumption. And I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing? Bottom line…It feels good to be a part of something.

But….

There’s always a but…

I am at a crossroad in life. I need to find ME. And what I’ve decided is to figure out is WHO I AM. Not who my friends think I should be, not who my husband thinks I should be (even though we’ve both come to a place of honesty and acceptance for each other AS WE ARE), not who my parents think I should be.

Who do I think I should be?

The answer?

I have no fucking idea.

However, this “be present,” new-age, thought process is seducing me. It makes perfect sense to me. We cannot fix or change the past. We cannot control the future. We have control over two things in life…our thoughts and how we react to life. We can choose to BE PRESENT.

That’s all.

We can’t control anything else.

But what power we have.
WHAT POWER WE HAVE.

BE PRESENT.
Be present.
No guilt.
No regret.

So much easier said than done…

But I’m on a new journey of discovery…

A cliché, I know.

Stay tuned…

The real world…

Well, hello there little blog’o'mine.

It’s been awhile.

I went dark for a season trying to decide if the creepy search engine data I saw in wordpress was worth it. Trying to decide if and how much of my personal and private life I should reveal on-line. Trying to decide if that lady is really a crazy stalker or just a lonely momma searching for a connection.

Well, I’ve come to a decision. I NEED this blog. It’s my choice what I reveal, expose, etc…I can have a completely private life inside of the blogosphere and the public…and that’s OK.

Not everyone needs to know what happens every second, nor do they WANT to. I’m not ignorant in the fact that my life is not always interesting and it’s definitely not newsworthy. But, it’s MY life. And there are moments I would love to have recorded in history. Even if it’s just on this blog. My kids will be able to read this in 20 years and know they were loved. Know their momma loved their daddy. Know their momma loved her family and friends.  Know their momma LOVED to write and document and take pictures. I’ve changed my perception of having a “blog” from wanting to BE a part of history, to wanting MAKE history. Not the kind of history in the grammar school books or the 11 o’clock news or on tmz.com.

Just OUR history.

MY history.

I absolutely love to write. I love to read. I love to read what amazing writers have to say. I love to connect. I love to express. I may not be the most educated or articulate writer…I know that much. But, I LOVE to do it. And I only have MY experiences and thoughts…I can’t write fiction. Every thought I have is un-original in the fact that I’m sure something in my life has shaped it.

I sway easily, but I also question fiercely. Why? Who? Why? How? Why? What? Why?

And while my thought process may mimic a chameleon, I am learning how to take it all in and decide for myself.

Finally.

I’ll say it again…. FINALLY.

What works for me?Who do I want to be friends with?
Do I believe in God?
Can I stand up for myself?
Can I have a mind of my own?
What does all of this mean?
Do we have a purpose?

Just a few, minor questions I’m asking my 36-year-old self. Only in hopes that one day that my 76-year-old self will already KNOW the answers. MAYBE I won’t know the answers in 40 years, but I will die trying to find out.

One thing I have learned these last few months?……

I WANT TO BE REAL.

Of course, there are many factors that I take into consideration in being a real person…of course! Not everyone gets the pleasure (or the PAIN, of course!) of getting the real me. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make me phony. It means I can adapt. I feel you can be a “real” person and also wear the necessary “hats” to make your world run smoothly. Does that make any sense at all? “There’s a time and a place?”

We shall see……..

NRA

Dear NRA,

You disgust me. You do not support the rights of humans, you support the right of humans to kill others. How dare you? How dare you?

Blame the President. Go ahead. If you need a scapegoat…if you need to place blame. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

And yes, the answer to gun violence is MORE guns. Absolutely. Let’s allow people to keep military assault rifles in their possession. Guns with the SOLE PURPOSE TO KILL AS MANY HUMANS IN THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME. Oh, NRA, keep it up. You lobby for such a good cause.

I just pray that you will never have to face a day when you or your loved one is gunned down because it was SO IMPORTANT to protect a lame amendment that was…

WRITTEN. OVER. TWO. HUNDRED. YEARS. AGO.

Around the same time when there was NO ELECTRICITY. NO CARS. NO PLANES.

NO TECHNOLOGY.

Makes perfect sense.

Keep up the good work.

Love,
Me

Blood is on your hands.

Forgiveness…

It’s no secret in our “circle” that these past two years have been filled with enormous and difficult learning experiences for me and my family. I have had to live with the consequences of destructive decisions…the trickle-down affect is astounding at times. Most days, life is simple and good. And then there are days when I feel the ripple of the tsunami…a tsunami that hit land TWO YEARS AGO. A tsunami I caused by being selfish. Sometimes I wonder when the consequences of my actions will simmer down and fade away. Don’t get me wrong, the ripples are not as big or severe, but they are there. Who knew? So, when the ripples invade our shore, I have to evaluate what I am supposed to learn. Because, if I’m not learning, I’m not living. If I don’t learn from my mistakes, I’m simply a fool. With that said, I can confidently admit that I have learned A LOT. Since the tsunami, I have made so many GOOD life changes…
I have chosen to grow instead of staying stagnant.
I have chosen to become who I have always wanted to be.
I have chosen to make my life what I. KNOW. IS. RIGHT.

Through all of this, one of the most valuable lessons was finding out who my TRUE friends are. It’s heartbreaking and enlightening and uplifting and scary. But I honestly feel that I am better off knowing. Oh how ignorant I was.

I feel like I’m one step ahead of the masses now.
I know who I can trust. I know who I can’t.
I know who will jump ship. I know who will go down with me when the ship is sinking.

Those who bail….I get it. Unconditional love is difficult unless it’s your child. So with that said…do we blame people for being bad friends? No. It’s not worth your time…
However, knowledge is most definitely power and I KNOW those people are so unhappy in their own lives. They can’t help BUT be bad friends.

How do you identify a “bad friend?”

For me I figured out that those who love themselves the least, are the worst friends of all. How can you possibly be a good friend when you hate your life, self, etc, etc?

I know this for a fact because I was THAT FRIEND. I was a miserable person who blamed everything and anything ELSE for my problems. Even for problems that didn’t exist. After living through really bad things, I decided to take responsibility. I MAKE MY LIFE WHAT IT IS. I like that I can dictate my thoughts…my emotions…my actions. I cannot control the world or what happens to me. I CAN control who I have in my life. If one good thing can come out of the horrible disaster I created, it’s that I KNOW WHO MY FRIENDS ARE. I know who supports me, my family…our life.

How liberating! How awesome!

I now know everyday God has a lesson plan. After talking to a GOOD friend, I know HIS/HER lesson today is FORGIVENESS. You might think, “what??? She was just talking about friendship, trust, etc….” Those are all fine and dandy, but I KNOW that I am being taught how to forgive. I am not sure I can come to grips with “turning the other cheek,” but walking away is more my style and my definition of “turning the other cheek.” Soooo, with all of that said….

My lessons for today:

-Forgive those people. FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE! They don’t even know you’re angry, so holding on to that is only giving them power over your thoughts, emotions, life, etc!

-Take pity on those that are SO miserable in their own lives that they feel the need to tear others down. If they are quick to throw you under a bus, they are trying to divert attention from their own train wreck.

-Watch your tongue and be aware of your own gossiping. AKA Practice what you preach. (cliche, I know)

-Let go. Let go of the people that “claim” to be friends, but have proven otherwise. They serve no purpose in a simple, good life.

-Hold on tight and nurture the hell out of the friends that stick around through thick AND thin.
The ones that UNCONDITIONALLY loved you NO MATTER WHAT. And told you THE TRUTH when you needed it the most.
They are the ones that will be there. They may be few in numbers, but they ARE THE GOODS!

-Tearing other people down only means that I AM INSECURE AND SELFISH….”cliche alert”…. PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER THROW STONES. Because, goddamnit I will throw a goddamn stone right back at YOUR friggin’ glass house.
Wait. No. That’s not right.
GO ahead throw stones. I will just watch as your stones bounce off my brick house and destroy your glass house.
Better?
No, that’s not the right attitude either. I guess I’ll just let you throw stones. And then rebuild.

-Most importantly…Be the friend you want in your own life. (my dear friends…I promise to do better…to always love and NEVER JUDGE)

I am so friggin’ fortunate that I have learned these lessons. Some people go their whole lives living behind a curtain of fraudulent friendships.

Moving on….

We had a great December….Christmas Programs…Hot Chocolate Party…Disneyland..and…here’s proof…